How long it's been since I've had a chance to get on here.

I've been staying with a friend that doesn't have internet access.

Sorry to have been ignoring you all for so long- I should be back on tomorrow to actually catch up on what I've missed!

-xoxo

Thanks for the advice on my last entry- it's just so much more difficult to give them up this time!

I've taken to carrying around baby carrots- something to munch on and it's better than eating candy and sweet enough to satisfy.  I've been finding busy work to do around the house- washing dishes by hand rather than the dishwasher, I crocheted a scarf, and I'm painting.  Keeping my hands busy.

It's been another five days, I almost broke down last night when I decided to end things with my would-be boyfriend.  It was so hard.  I haven't actually done it yet because there are things at his house that I need (like my half karat diamond ring) that I know I won't ever get back if I don't get them before I end things. 

So I may have to start my count over because I feel like I'm giving up on him and that breaks my heart.  He's such a gorgeous person, I just can't sit around and wait for him to figure himself out forever.  I have to end things and hope he can see that he's made a mistake by taking my presence in his life for granted.  It didn't work last time I did it and this is the last time I've let him back into my life.  I love him, so deeply, but he's just bringing me down.  

September- that was when I last had to rid my life of my Joe, it really does break my heart because I had such hopes for us, but he’s just such a mess.  I love being with him, but again, it hurts so much that I have to leave him because even though I love him so much, he doesn’t love himself so our future is impossible.  He’s the person I can see myself marrying and having babies with- I love the look he gets in his eyes whenever I mention that I want to have three baby boys.  I tired my hardest to help him care more for himself, but he’s still just so.. Grr..  he thinks so little of himself- he doesn’t know how amazing he is.  He can instantly make everyone feel better but he’s so hurt and scared on the inside.

I know that I’d love to be here when he decides he wants to take a chance and be mine, because I do love him so, but I don’t know if I could take it if he let me down for the third time.

 

So I've been a chain smoker on and off for the last 6 years or so, I did really well and quit last summer for what I thought was the last time but I've been smoking 3 packs a week since September.

I've been tryingto quit again for the last month or so and I did really wel- I thought I'd made it- 10 days without even touching a pack, until Sunday night when  broke and had one. 

It's harder this time than it's ever been before and my old tricks of chewing straws and carrying hard candies and suckers with me aren't working.

Does anyone have any sugestions? 

Tips or things that helped them quit?

I'd be very appreciative if you did!

-xoxo

Finally things have calmed down some. Thank goodness.

I spent the last few days on the couch feeling pretty lousy, but there's nothing wrong with me. My doctor thought it was mono or strep but the tests came back negative. I was just so exhausted so they ran a few more tests, including a pregnancy test, and all of them came up with nothing. So I have a bottle of horse pills that are super-duper vitamins for boosting my immune system while simultaneously draining my wallet ($75!!).

I've also been referred back to my Nutritionist to make sure I'm still eating. Not really a problem I think- I've gained weight this month. But I have no way to back that up since I've stopped logging my weight and it's been about 4 years since I've had mandatory weekly weigh-ins.

So my man-toy is gone off for the weekend to West Virginia to visit a friend at school and I hate to say that I already miss having him bother me all the time. I haven't seen him since he dropped me off at home this morning before he went to work at 7:30 and it feels so strange. That may sound, to the casual observer, like an obsession, especially if you read that I was single as recently as Valentine's Day, but this is and old boyfriend I've recently gotten back together with. And I'm not technically back with him- we just seem to be spending an insane amount of time together. I think I may actually need this break from him.

Today was the first time all week I've felt like getting up and moving, so of course I didn't. =D I laid around until the Sabres game was over (Buffalo v. Montreal @ HSBC 8-5 BUF because we ROCK).

I'm very upset by the way the players in the NHL have been behaving- and even more upset after the dirty shot that happened during the Leafs/Devils game this evening. Unlike the recent Drury hit, none of the Leafs stepped up to defend their downed man..

Anyway- enough about hockey. I can never get enough hockey. =D

I'm going to attempt to get some sleep, hopefully that silly man will call me to let me know he's safely there soon so I actually can sleep.

Tomorrow I'll be up and around- the snow is melting and it got up to 40 this afternoon so I'm going to be doing some massive cleaning of this house and then some meditation.

-xoxo

Still so busy- it makes me so sad.

I think it's pretty interesting that my life can be completely stagnant for like weeks at a time and then suddenly it feels like I barely have time to breathe anymore.  Today was the first time since my last post that I've been able to sleep in and sit around and watch TV before I had to get up and go.

Crazy.

The best part is that I've been so busy and I don't even have anything of importance to say about it- mainly being abducted by friends and babysitting my nephew.

College classes start back up and the "boyfriend" works Mon-Friday (plus he's taking a road trip to WV this weekend) so hopefully my life will quiet down long enough for me to actually catch up on what's been going on around here.

Sorry I'm never on!

-xoxo